About publication, or the lack thereof

Hi, I am Ork, I make lots of pictures!
I just don't show them that often.
Especially the last year.

And I wonder why?

My life definitely got a lot busier.
But.. that's not the full explanation. This post is a bit of a shared self-introspection into the why. The concept of not posting is not new - last year I already wrote why I hate instagram - but, I believe there's more at play.

Out-of-sight = out-of-mind

What I do not see is not in my brain. Sounds relaxing, and in some aspects it is - when I am working on something, it has my full pure focus. Downside: it means that anything not in front of me is not there.

This post is not about the bizarre amount of coping mechanisms I found to function - as life is full of things one should not forget - but about another effect I recently discovered: I miss out on reward.

Recently, I had a very cool event which required a lot of preparation. Props, code, complicated puzzles, logistics, photography, delivery.. all was included. Months of here-and-there work, multiple meetings together to brainstorm and discuss, and many small victories during building. It was great!

Then the event we worked so hard for was there. It was 38 degrees. We worked. We pushed. We got everything done. It was big. It was complex! The participants loved it!

And then the next day. I forgot this all happened. I did not participate in post-event happy vibes. I did not check how everything was perceived. My brain did not connect to it anymore. No post-event happy vibes, no feel of accomplishment, nothing. Just the next project.

And that is sad? This loop seems to keep me in high-functioning but low-reward mode. Not perfect.

And I do this with photoshoots too. The very second the last photo of a photoshoot is edited, I kinda.. forget that it existed? My brain sees publication not as part of finishing a project because there are hurdles... and as such, I don't.

Which means I forget, and subsequently lose out on the happy feedback.

Wanting to be seen vs wanting to hide

What are these hurdles? Let me explain!

Intrusive thought time:

• "No one wants to see this! The internet is already full of stuff."
• "It's more than X days/weeks/years old. It's outdated!"
• "It's not done! The edit is just slightly off and I need to spend just this tiny bit more time on it before posting!"
• "It was made for Halloween/Christmas/insert-your-event-here and it's not-insert-your-event-here right now! I can't show this!"
• "People probably have other things on their minds than seeing this picture"
• "Look at the state of the world! The news is soo bad it's bad form to showcase something like a photo now!"

Especially.. the last one I seem to be susceptible to. I check the news every time I would potentially publish.. and then crawl back in horror to see what we - the world - are doing to ourselves - the world. It is bad. And I can't fix it.

So I delete the existence of the project from my mind, and continue to the next project.

So, what now?

I know I should not let this stop me from being me. I do crave the feedback - hearing that I crafted something cool. Or - even better - hearing that I genuinely inspired someone into crafting something themselves, them finding joy in a new hobby, or in some way by me being me I participated in making someone's life a tiny bit more beautiful.

But I don't post.

Or I post by silently adding a gallery to my photoshoots page and then not telling anyone.

Fix attempt .1

OK. That was a ramble. I welcome people who recognise any of this to do ping! I'd like to talk!

For now - let's try and steer away from this semi-self-inflicted loop. Here are a few photosets that I want to share now!
(oh and I miiiight have added a lot of shoots on my photoshoot gallery page)